Davis, California

Dear Davis California/ the surrounding area,

You’re gross. You’re hot. I don’t like you. You apparently have a weirdly active Aryan Brotherhood scene, there’s nothing to do in you but drink, and your drivers are terrible. It took me 2 hours to get more than 40 miles outside of your hell hole today because traffic was so bad. Which I find surprising only because the population of your county is made up entirely of students and cows, who are admittedly both bovine in nature, but neither of whom should be driving in the first place. Oh, and: Yolo county. What the fuck is up with that. I get that it was named Yolo county before every asshole with a snapback and a low IQ made that the acronym they scream while they projectile vomit into the trashcan at an EDM concert, but it needs to go. Then again, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it can serve to warn naïve travelers unfortunate enough to roll through that cow shit collector you call a city that the surrounding area’s biggest agricultural export is douchebags. Let’s change it to “You Only Leave Once” and then never fucking come back.

I hope the prodigious number of meth labs in the surrounding area explode all at once and your ugly town becomes engulfed in blue flames and SWAT teams.

Love,

The Littlest Dick