Herpes Tinderalis

I’ve had Tinder for about a week, and it is undoubtedly the funniest thing I have ever experienced on a phone.

Opening it is like opening Pandora’s box of thirst, where you tap that little flame icon and unleash alllllllll the world’s sexual frustration onto your phone. Honestly, it’s a testament to the durability of smart phones nowadays that my little Nexus 5 hasn’t committed electronic suicide and melted into a hunk of plastic out of protest (self-immolation: the act of killing oneself, usually by burning, to protest something. Historically committed by Tibetan monks and the out-of-date electronic devices of people who live in Silicon Valley).

I’ve heard of people finding truly loving long-term relationships, and I’ve heard some douchebag horror stories. But mostly, I’ve heard of people fucking like their Catholic relatives are about to come stay with them for a month.

Few things in life are really permanent. Tragically, most often love is impermanent. Heartbreak is facetiously temporary, though admittedly scarring, the same way disgust at douchebags is. But you know what’s forever? Herpes.

Herpes Tinderalis will be defined by its virulent resistance to the antiviral drugs normally used to treat an outbreak. Doctor’s will be able to identify this strain of the virus because the sores of every flair will magically align to take the shape of Tinder’s flame logo, proving that Herpes Tinderalis is not only semi-sentient but aware of it’s own origins. Eventually Tinder will embrace its own skankiness and genetically engineer different versions of the virus that will spell out “Swipe Right” or “It's a Match!” in oozing blisters all over your junk.

The FDA may or may not get involved after that. It won’t matter because President Trump will have deregulated the markets so much by this point that you couldn’t sue for theft if Sean Rad himself ran up to you, punched you in the throat and stole your wallet. But as long as the government needs money to fund the militant police force used to keep people of color in check in the capitalist system, or the health-insurance covered Viagra its rapidly aging male population needs in order to spread the virus, you'll be able to claim your outbreak of Herpes Tinderalis like it's a dependent. The tax exemption will save you just enough money to buy the iPhone 666.

And that, my friends, is real viral advertising.