My Phone is a Piece of Shit

This began because I had wanted to stay awake. I was on a short flight from New York to Chicago, so I decided to down 2 cokes, thinking this was how I could beat my body's clock and make it onto my last plane back to California. I thought I had time. I thought I wouldn't have to use an airplane bathroom. Overestimating the capacity of my tiny bladder was mistake number one.

I used the first class bathroom, which in reality is just as shitty as coach. That’s not important, just an observation.This next part I really blame the clever engineers at American Airlines for. Hey guys! I have a great idea. Let’s save money and make toilets without lids. Fuck sanitary flushing. And gravity? Planes defy that shit anyway.Good job assholes.So that one was all theirs. Mistake number two.

As I finished washing my hands, I turned a little too enthusiastically to get a paper towel from my right. Mistake number three.

I heard a little splash, then a thunk. It was so quiet, I almost would have missed it had it not been punctuated by a sudden lightness in my pocket. And that, boys and girls, is the sound of an electronic device committing suicide. It took me a couple seconds to realize what had happened, but then I stared at the little metal flap sitting under that fluorescent blue water, and I knew, I just knew, that fucker had eaten my phone. I became a little concerned because right above the toilet sat several red signs saying "DO NOT PUT ANYTHING MORE SOLID THAN SHIT IN ME OR YOU WILL BREAK THE PLANE AND KILL EVERYONE." I mean I'm paraphrasing. But I'll be damned if that’s not what it said in the Spanish translation. So I stepped outside and found a stewardess. "Hi ma'am. Umm. My phone kind of slipped out of my pocket and into the toilet." "Oh," she said. "Did it go past the little metal flap?" "It went past the little metal flap." "Oh. Well I can call it in but you know if you get it back, its just sitting in... sitting in..." "A big vat of shit, I know. I don't want it back (its cool TSA, this one is on me. It’s not a bomb I swear), I was just afraid that it was gonna break something. Because of all those signs above the toilet. So I was just checking." The nice lady reassured me that no, I wasn't going to break anything because I had been too stupid to leave my phone behind when it was a) not necessary because it was b) not on, because I was c) ON A FUCKING AIRPLANE, DICK, but she got on the phone and warned the airport crew anyway. Watch out guys, the ghost of Steve Jobs has taken an angry shit in the first class bathroom. Honestly, with a diet like that, it's no wonder he got pancreatic cancer. But I heard Apple recently instated a policy where all of its employees are fed outdated phones, so this can't be the first time this has happened. Also its very possible that my phone would be what an iPhone would have shat, could it shit out anything besides your duckfaced selfies. Lastly, as a final Fun Fact for those of you who have cared enough to read this far, would you like to know what they do with your poop on airplanes? They freeze it. In big cubes. That Blue "water" is not in fact water but something akin to that instafreeze shit that you find in an ice pack. So my phone has been laid to rest in a giant blue cube of human excrement. I always said it was a piece of shit, and now it has gone to be with its own kind.