No One is Special and Everyone Sucks

Hating on millenials has become a favorite American pastime, like watching football, or contracting type 2 diabetes. A lot of the shade that gets thrown at us is unfounded. We’re no better or worse than any other generation, and I need all you education defunding, climate-change denying, baby-boomer/Gen X FUCKS to stop thinking that you were the ones who got it right. You didn’t, and I’m fucking sick of watching this weird circle jerk you’ve got going on where you give each other handies and pat each other on the back when you shoot a load somewhere you shouldn't. Actually, my generation should be thanking you guys for setting the bar so low. You were so self-absorbed you thought you could do no wrong. But you collectively fucked up the world harder and in more ways than anything I think my generation will be capable of doing, even if that’s only because we'll die from 120 degree heat waves before we figure out how to vote. So. Small victories?

But as badly as the two preceding generations suck, it is absolutely imperative that people my age understand something so we don’t end up like them.

You’re not special.

You’re one of 7 billion flecks of human mold growing on the planet, and you literally have nothing to offer that is completely novel. At best, we’re all unique combinations of sameness, pretty much the same genetic bullshit people have been birthing since we climbed out of trees and speared the first asshole that looked at us funny. And yet, we’re just as self-absorbed as the Boomers and the Gen X-ers. The only difference between us and them is that they’ve sold us a plethora of outlets to promote this self-absorption. They gave us the most powerful tools mankind has ever had and somehow made sure we use them primarily to post to instagram and read awful blogs.

Facebook’s facial recognition software might know what your duckface looks like, but it takes one prodigious fucking algorithm to tell the difference between you and any other asshole with a smartphone, a wifi connection and an incessant desire to see their ugly face on the internet. You’re not special. No one is. But if we get our shit together we just might be capable of using our opposable thumbs for something better than temporary butt plugs.