Trump 2k16

Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Everyone is losing their shit because Donald trump is trying to secure the GOP nomination for presidential candidate. I’m just here to tell you why I REALLY hope that happens, and why you should all quit fucking panicking because it won’t anyway.

1. Donald trump is merely a collection of sentient, lightly toasted, jet-puffed marshmallows that banded together for safety under a toupe. Marshmallows can’t be presidents. Everyone knows this.

2. His run for presidency would be completely pointless because he’s too right-wing, the same way Bernie Sanders is too left-wing. If he actually did get the nomination, the democratic candidate would win by a historic landslide. We only elect moderates, or extremists masquerading as moderates (cough, Iran-Contra, cough).

3. But in the meantime, HIS CAMPAIGN WOULD BE COMEDIC FUCKING GOLD. For every republican dildo with a binder full of ex-girlfriends they pushed to get abortions who only thinks the insidious fuckery that Trump is spouting, Trump has like 60 tweets that you just know were originally half racial slurs. God help the poor social media intern who has to sit there being like “sir, white people can’t say this word anymore. The media’s solution is to just say ‘thugs’.”

4. The Latino vote has the potential to be formidable in 2016, and you don’t call someone a murderer and a rapist and then ask them to vote for you. You just don’t. Especially not when you yourself have been accused of rape.

5. His campaign would be a great way to out the tinfoil-hat-wearing motherfuckers that live amongst us. Anyone who looks at this crazy asshole and says “mmm yeah, I’m comfortable with him having the nuclear launch codes” is hitting the cough syrup as hard as Bill O’Reilly hit his wife.

6. I feel a little bit better when I can see and hear the crazy, not just when I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s there.

In all seriousness though, I would have some severe mixed emotions were this walking racial discrimination lawsuit to win the GOP nomination. On the one hand, I would feel relieved, because the democratic candidate would have to do something monumentally stupid (like be a woman) in order to lose to him. On the other hand, if we live in a culture that allows a person like this to have any kind of serious bid for the presidency, then there truly is no hope left. I welcome the inevitable invasion of our alien overlords and the impending use of our species as their equivalent of discount Spam. We deserve it for allowing this kind of preposterous bullshit to fester into actual power.